Labour Announces Bold Plan To Nationalise Railway Of Socially-Isolated Hobbyist

In a speech on Thursday, the shadow transport secretary, Louise Haigh, announced Labour’s plans to nationalise the railways of socially-isolated hobbyist, Evan. “One of Labour’s first major acts in government,” said the shadow transport secretary, “will bring all of Evan’s model railways  into national ownership under Great British Railways.”

The impressive collection he’s built in a shack in his garden over the last 30 years of his life will be nationalised to reduce waste, improve productivity and save money for taxpayers. “But I don’t know who I’d be without them,” protested Evan, a socially-isolated adult who started building model railways as a child with his late grandfather. “I’m not socially-isolated, stop saying that please. I have tons of friends and they think my railway is just great. Don’t take it away from me, this is who I am!” 

At press time, Evan insisted that nationalisation had gone too far, that this was “the road to serfdom”, and that the UK was “turning into Zimbabwe”.