Get Your Perfect Summer Body With Food Shortages Caused By Climate Breakdown

With summer around the corner, agricultural groups predict that food shortages caused by extreme weather in the UK and other key exporting countries will make dieting a breeze. Dr Steven Topping, chair of the Climate Change Committee, told the press that, “The biggest weight-loss myth is that you have to eat boring vegetables and do loads of exercise, when, in fact, all you need to slim your figure is widespread crop failure and rising food insecurity.” 

Record rainfall this year has meant that UK crops are rotting in the ground. That’s a whole harvest of carbs that your midriff no longer needs to worry about.

One young woman we spoke to said, “I’ve tried everything: keto, banting, apple cider vinegar, the grapefruit diet… but the only thing that’s worked for me is a combination of poor governance, austerity economics and reckless environmental policies that have left me looking fashionably gaunt. I swear by it!” 

So, keep your weight in check this summer with the help of spiraling food prices and the stress of inevitable political fallout. And with temperatures predicted to reach record highs in June, there’ll be no place to hide your love handles… but state negligence and corporate greed have got your back! 

At press time, Tom Bradshaw, the president of the National Farmers’ Union, said, “Farmers are struggling to stay afloat under these punishing conditions, but they’ve never looked so good!”