Thames Water Offers Other Three Elements Too In Bid For New Investors

Creaking under £15 billion in debt, the biggest water utilities company in the UK, Thames Water, has had to diversify and invest in the other three elements as well: Earth, Air, and Fire. “We’re in the process of a rebrand and relaunch to attract new investors,” said CEO Sarah Bentley, “by being the first utilities company in the world to offer the full spread of primordial elements right in your kitchen sink.” 

With declining profits, poor service delivery, outdated infrastructure, and recent pollution scandals, the utilities giant has become a bad investment. “We want to earn back investor's trust through innovation, by providing every residence not just with water, but with fire spewing from taps, rocks and dirt gushing from shower heads, and wind streaming out every garden hose in the UK,” she said.

At press time, Sarah Bentley rejected suggestions that there is a fifth element, Void. She insisted that there is no way to make nothingness come out of people’s taps.