Treasury Encourages Women To Lie About Birth Control To Combat Labour Shortage

The Treasury has announced measures to remedy the UK’s shrinking labour force by encouraging women to lie about being on birth control. “There has been a concerning decline in the size of the labour force since 2020, which will slow the UK’s economic growth unless we manage to get more young women pregnant faster, to usher in a new wave of citizens that are fit for work by whatever means necessary.” 

Growing the labour force through investments in education and public health have been dismissed in favour of reckless and unprotected sex. “To ensure future economic stability, women must be empowered to poke small holes in their boyfriends’ condoms,” the statement said.

At press time, Laura Trott, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, hinted at plans to keep weapons-grade aphrodisiacs at water treatment facilities.