UK Smoking Ban Amended So Annoying Colleague Can Still Bum Cigarette After A Few Beers

This week, the House of Commons ceded ground to Big Tobacco by amending the anti-smoking bill so that your annoying colleague can still bum a cigarette after a few beers. “Even though he claims not to smoke,” said one Golden Virginia spokesperson, “he still asks for one of your fags whenever you go out for work drinks, and we’re glad that government has granted him a special concession to keep doing so despite attempts to ban smoking entirely.”  

Before the amendment, the bill sought to ban the purchase of cigarettes for everyone born after 2009. So, this amendment comes as a relief for the tobacco industry, because annoying colleagues across the UK, who’re in denial about their nicotine addiction, will keep the industry afloat through this uncertain period. 

“As someone who never smokes,” commented one annoying colleague who’s pathologically incapable of being honest with himself about his dependence on cigarettes, preferring instead to take your smokes and still feel smug about ‘being healthy’, “I’m glad that the government is taking this seriously — I quit smoking 2 years ago and never looked back.” 

Clearly, the government has taken a stand against preventable illness and death. “I much prefer inevitable illness and death,” said your colleague. “That’s why I never smoke usually,” he continued, while lighting one of your goddamn cigarettes.

At press time, he still has your lighter and probably won’t ever give it back to you.